Empowerment Begins with Believing Survivors of Sexual Assault

0:00 Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast. I'm Randi. And I'm Jess. And we're two licensed psychotherapists. This is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with all of life's challenges. And how all of this is normal, with the exception of what we're going to talk about today. Not normal. Well, it happens a lot, but it shouldn't be normal. It's very normal. It should not be a norm for us as women, and you are not alone in this. Right. Okay. So this is also a trigger warning for those. Uh, we are going to talk about a topic that is a little tough today. So we're going to talk about how to support those that have been sexually assaulted.

0:42 So supporting sexual assault survivors. And understanding and addressing. Addressing the needs of sexual assault survivors is crucial for really fostering healing and resilience, especially in the community for women. Mm hmm. So find us and more resources on womensmentalhealthpodcast. com. I also want to note that if you or a loved one has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline. It's confidential 24 seven, there's support there. It's 800. 6, 5, 6. Hope so. Have you ever had these thoughts? How can I support a friend or a loved one who. What are some common reactions, of sexual assault, sexual assault survivors and how can I help?

1:30 Is it okay to ask a survivor about their experience with sexual assault? Can sexual assault survivors experience long term mental health effects? What are some ways to create a safe and supportive environment for sexual assault survivors? How can I help a survivor feel empowered and reclaim their sense of control? What are some resources available to support sexual assault survivors? How can I advocate for systematic change? No, that's, is that it? Systemic. No, systemic. Hold on. How can I advocate for change to support sexual assault survivors? Are there specific considerations for supporting, an LGBTQ plus sexual assault survivor?

2:15 Man, you just said that like, boom, boom. How can I take care of myself while supporting a sexual assault survivor? That's a big one right there. Especially if you have your own trauma, is one of the things that we're going to talk about. It's very common. Is it 9 women have experienced some type of sexual assault? Oh, it's worse. Every 68 seconds, another American is sexually assaulted. 1 out of 6 American women have been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime. 14. 8 percent have been completed and 2.

2:55 8 percent attempted. So in about 3 percent of American men, that's 1 in 33, have experienced also an attempt or completed rape in their lifetime. So this is not just women. This, overall, is men, women, children. Daughters, nieces, nephews being assaulted. And I know this is a heavy, heavy topic, but it's very important that us as women talk about this. We want to talk about it, not to normalize it so that way when it does happen to somebody, or if it does happen to somebody that they can get the help that they need, because this is just too much.

3:37 And I was looking at this saying, they said inmates. 80, 600 inmates were sexually assaulted or raped, and this is one year. This is one year time frame, and 60, 000 children in the last year were victimized with sexual abuse. Right, and there's a general public, 433, 000 people, 12 and older, were sexually assaulted or raped this last year. And something that we hold in high regard to, which is the military. Mm hmm. Over 18, 000 men and women have experienced unwanted sexual contact. I think it's really interesting how it breaks it down between assault, rape, sexual abuse, unwanted sexual contact.

4:24 Mm hmm. Any of that Is sexual assault. Is sexual assault. Whether we're going to call it molestation, we're going to call it rape, we're going to call it anything like that. Attempted rape. Anything. It's all sexual assault. Sexual assault. They only use if it's completed or not completed, penetration, is usually when they consider it completed, which any of it is not okay. No. None of it. And meanwhile, only 25. Out of every 1, 000 perpetrators will end up in prison. So more often than not, the person who has molested, raped, touched, done anything to sexually assault someone is not in prison.

5:08 This is bullshit. It is. This is such bullshit. It makes me want to cry. I know. This is such bullshit. Because it's very hard to be. in a vulnerable population, whether that is a child or a woman or LGBT. we are more prone in those communities to experience that. it is so common. It's sad. It is so common that we know so many people that something has happened to, and really any form of non consensual and non consensual means you didn't ask for it. You don't want it. you did not give enthusiastic consent. Yes, I fucking want this. That's an enthusiastic consent, clear communication that you want it.

5:52 Non consensual is if you did not verbally say or you said no in any way, shape, or form, push somebody away, that is all non consensual. You did not consent to that person touching you, penetrating you, trying to, touch you in any way, shape, or form. And from a mental health perspective and a therapist perspective, sexual assault leads to a range of Mental health disorders and psychological effects, including post traumatic stress disorder, commonly known as PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder, substance abuse. As someone who worked in the substance, abuse field and the homeless and addiction field, seeing the rampant sexual assault that happened to my clients on a day to day basis, I It is heartbreaking.

6:39 did you know that it wasn't until 1993 that marital rape actually became illegal? People think because you're married or in you're in a relationship with somebody, even boyfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend, this can happen all the time, that they have access to your body. That is 1000 percent not true. Nobody has access to your body. Nobody, nobody. You are the only person that has full control over your body. And if you do not want to have sex with your partner, you don't have to, you do not have to, if they have, try to push it. That is non consensual sexual activity and sexual assault. Mm hmm. And I think we don't want to think that about somebody that we could love and care about, but most sexual assault happens with somebody that we know.

7:26 It's somebody that is close. I have a friend back from junior high. this is a case that has gone public. I'm not going to call her out, she was being assaulted by a coach for a long time. And I remember back then, and this is the thing I tell people, trust your gut. If your gut says something, there's something going on. Even back then, I was like, How come you know how to get into his boat? How do you know how to do all of this and I remember she at one point she said yeah Yeah, he you know, he put me on the pill and I was thinking why would he put you on birth control, right? Why wouldn't your parents and I wish I've told her this I wish I would have said something cuz that didn't seem right to me in a way She was probably crying for help, but didn't know how to yeah, and It's hard not to feel guilty, but you were also a young child.

8:12 I was a kid. And didn't know and understand that either. So a lot of times we can have what is called survivors guilt. If like our child has been, molested or a friend has been raped or we're there at a bar, with somebody and then something happened. It's important to always be aware of your surroundings, but sometimes no matter all the things you think you can do, something bad just still happens. My favorite thing I've ever read, I've said this before, I believe in here, but my favorite thing I ever read was that there was a woman who said, I got drunk and I passed out on the train and I woke up way past my stop. She says, and I didn't get raped.

8:53 Do you want to know why I didn't get raped? Because there wasn't a rapist on the train, right? It wasn't because she passed out. It wasn't because it was late at night. It was late at night. No, no, no. What she was wearing. No, it isn't. We shame people a lot of times like, oh, you were flirting or you were drinking or it doesn't matter. No, you were, she wasn't raped because there wasn't a rapist on the train. And that's, that is what happens is that, when people blame the victim of what did you do to get there? No, no, no, no. Why aren't we looking at the person saying she was raped because there was a rapist in the room? And a lot of times, too, the perpetrator has also been sexually assaulted and never been helped and their perpetrator has been sexually assaulted and never been helped.

9:38 it spreads. And because we don't talk about this as a society. we don't bring it to the light enough, we need more awareness about this so we can see those things and we can teach our kids that, like you said, if you hear something that you think is off with a friend or yourself, or you feel wrong about something, tell somebody. Go check with somebody and be like, Hey, I heard this. Does this sound right? Right. I don't know if we would have known back then to do anything different. No, yeah, probably not. But I feel like this generation that we're raising right now would be like, that doesn't sound right. That doesn't, that sounds weird. Yeah, so we can empower our future generations to hold that space for others and themselves so they can use their voices to break.

10:22 Mm hmm. this generational cyclical cycle of sexual assault. what are ways that we can support those who have been sexually Assaulted. What are some statements that we can say to make others know that we're a safe space for them to to come? If something like that has happened, the first one is, I believe, I believe those that have said they've been sexually assaulted. It's not my place to question them. Yeah, I believe if somebody you're not judge jury. No, it's not my job. If somebody says I've been sexually assaulted, I believe you. And that is right there. I believe you.

11:03 what's another one? There is never any excuse for sexual assault. There's no excuse. Nobody deserves. Nope. Nobody deserves it. Nobody. Nobody deserves it. And that's another one. No one deserves it. deserves it. You didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve it. Nobody deserves this. another one is I'm speaking up for people who are afraid. Yeah. And that's what we're doing right now is we're speaking up for people who are afraid. Another one, everyone deserves to feel safe. So holding that safe space for people, letting everybody know. Whether it's a child or an adult that they deserve to feel safe, whether that's in their own skin or their home or their school or their college, everyone deserves to feel safe.

11:52 It's on us. No more excuses. We can do more teaching our younger kids. Oh, man. We had this friend of the family who taught her son to get permission he even said, May I give you a hug? He wanted consent to give a hug because he didn't want to impose because he's a man. Yeah, like a lot of, our generation was like, go give, grandpa a hug. Well, grandpa, I don't like him, he makes me feel weird, but just go give him a hug. our generation, I feel perpetuated rape culture. you don't like that feeling. You just suck it up. You just push it down. You let that person touch you. Instead of now, I'm like, I don't make my kids.

12:33 Hug somebody, touch somebody, kiss somebody if they don't want to. Jess always comes over and she sees, my son and she goes, can I give you a hug? And he'll tell her yes, usually a hundred percent, but she asks him, can I come into your space? Is it okay? That's a way of creating a safe space and a way of letting our kids know that they have the autonomy to make choices about our body. Yeah. And if they say no, if he had said no, I'd say, cool. Okay, cool. High five or whatever. Check, check you later. Check you later. But yeah, he normally gives me a hug. So what is technically considered sexual assault? Let's go through this again because it's such a difficult question. It's a hard topic and I feel like a lot of us dissociate and blank out when we talk about it because it either brings up our own sexual assault or I've had friends who have been, it's, it's rampant.

13:23 It is, and this is probably going to be our lowest listened to podcast because nobody wants to listen to, listen to stuff about sexual assault. But that's okay, it's important. We need to talk about this, it's important. So. Sexual assault is any non consensual sexual activity. It includes, but it is not limited, let me put that, not limited to any kind of unwanted touching, penetration, or coercion, which is somebody, of making you, bribing you, if you do this for me, then I'll do this for you. Anybody takes on any part of wanting to be part of your body, any kind of touching that you do not ask for.

14:03 what do we do if, if me or somebody has been sexually assaulted? What do I do? So if you have experienced any type of sexual assault, your safety and well being are the top priority. Seek medical care, consider reaching out to a trusted friend, a family member or a therapist, somebody that you feel comfortable and safe with, report the assault to law enforcement. And understand too, side note, that law enforcement is not always trained for this. So they might not be sensitive, they might question you. Hold on to your truth and report the crime and just tell them it's your duty to write down what I'm saying.

14:47 That's it. And then seek support too from a sexual assault advocacy. There are lots of organizations out there because. This, this happens way too often, you're not alone in this and having support of other people who have walked through this too can be a huge help in the healing process. And we know this is embarrassing. We do. We know that it's embarrassing and shameful and well, especially as women, we're taught that it's embarrassing and shameful and we should have guilt. Oh, I love that. Wait. You're right. Change me. I'm not even going to cut that out. Yeah. We shouldn't feel something that happens. I mean, we, we do. And we carry that for a long time, we, we should not, it's not your place to hold guilt, shame or embarrassment about this happening because something was done to you, right?

15:37 You did not cause it. Oh, thank you for fixing that for me. See, look at me old. I'm old. I'm old. Well, Jess, what are some of the emotional side effects that can happen when you've been sexually assaulted? Like we were just talking about actually These feelings of shame and guilt and anxiety, fear, fear. Oh my God. Yeah. Fear. I just, it's important to remember though, that these responses are very natural. These are all things that are very natural. and we really should get help from, Somebody who is trained in this, to help with this trauma that you've had happen to you. how can survivors of sexual assault cope with this trauma?

16:18 it's a really deeply personal journey because Of course, nobody is sexually assaulted the same way as somebody else. So really, you have to find a combination of things that works for you when you're ready to walk through that trauma. I think in a way, too, there is a grief process that also happens. Oh, God, yeah. So you are grieving the loss of maybe innocence or, trust that you had with somebody or there's so many things. So therapy, support groups, mindfulness practices, caring for yourself, doing self care can really benefit. You're healing and everyone that has been through this, every survivor deserves compassionate support while they're working through recovering from this trauma.

17:07 So if you don't feel supported, if it's a support group or a therapist Find people that support you. Exactly. The other thing I tell my, my mamas, my women, when you are going to the doctor, if you're going to an OB, if you're going to have a child, it's important to share with them that you are. I'll say a victim. Nobody likes that word, but you, you have been victimized. You've been sexually assaulted. For them to be able to walk you through exactly what they're doing. Because it, you want to get that power back. Yeah. And so yes, we have to go to OBGYNs. But you can tell them, I've been assaulted.

17:47 Can you please walk me through what you're doing, even if it's in the past, right? Or I'm comfortable with this or this, or you touching me in a certain way can trigger me. Take your power back and use your voice. And that also helps educate others. Maybe that doctor doesn't have experience or they haven't thought about that and how they should treat somebody that has been sexually assaulted. You can have a rippling, powerful effect when you use your voice to help take your power back and advocate for yourself. And that leads into Can survivors of sexual assault experience PTSD?

18:28 And that's yes. And that leads into this because you can have what flashbacks. Oh, flashbacks and nightmares. And just this hyper, what we call hyper vigilance, just always being on edge. And this could even happen years later. This could, you could go, yeah, it could be, you could think like I'm all great. And then all of a sudden something pops up and it triggers you. Right. And a trigger is anything that makes you react, it could happen 20 years later. And then when that happens, you go back to therapy, you go back to whatever your path was for healing because it never goes away entirely. And that's what's so sad about all this is that you can't make this trauma go away entirely.

19:09 It'll always be there just a little bit. It just, it alters your brain chemistry. When you are victimized like this and assaulted, and that's hard to understand that it has altered physically who you are and learning how to move on in this body that has been assaulted. Yeah. Somebody took away. You and without your permission, So is it common for survivors to feel a sense of guilt or self blame? Yeah, and we talked about the guilt and the shame but the self blame to can come up where people are like, it's my fault or maybe if I hadn't done this or I had done this or maybe I did.

19:58 And we, our human brain wants to rationalize everything. And this is something that there's no real way to rationalize why this has happened. And there's, we can just, especially as women, internalize this narrative and feel guilt for it. And so that's why it's important to surround yourself with, empathetic and, affirming support that, you are not guilty, you are not to blame, you are loved, you are whole and you can, move on from this with the right support. So if I'm a friend or a family member of somebody who has been sexually assaulted, how can I support them?

20:46 First, be nonjudgmental. Don't try to put yourself in their shoes. those aren't shoes that you even understand. Right. Or if you do understand, just offer them, a safe place, validate them, hear them out, do what we call active listening. Just be one with them and be present and just show them that you care. that can make all the difference in somebody's journey if they know that they have a safe place to talk about things. Even just sit with somebody, who feels safe. one of the, have you Whoever's earlier, we asked, is it okay to ask about, Their experience. I don't know if it's okay to ask about their experience unless they're willing to tell you, If somebody wants to share what happened, I think that's okay.

21:33 as a therapist, I will ask what happened. But I'm trained to ask what happened. I'm trained to know where I can go and not go. Yeah. When to push and when to hold back. there's a lot of training that goes into that, especially people who specialize in PTSD, because it can be a minefield. Your mind is a minefield and things can, send you over the edge when you're walking through trauma. So it's really important to have the right type of person that can help you navigate that. so I think if, you can say, do you want to talk about it? Do you want to share with me some of what happened? I think that's okay to say that, but you don't want to be like, tell me what happened. Right. Or when you are ready to talk about it, I am here to listen.

22:16 Oh, that's a good one too. That is a good one. So they know that. Maybe they're not ready. It might be five years from now, 10 years from now, never, but they know that they have that safe space where they can come and talk to you, that you are giving them a non judgmental space to, say what has happened. I also want to point out that if you are not comfortable with it, or if it's going to trigger something of yours, it is okay to say, I'm here for you, I don't think I can hear that right or I can't hold this space for you, or maybe I have other resources for you, but because I've walked this path or maybe you just know you don't have the empathy for that.

22:57 And that's okay. If you know your strengths and weaknesses to say, I love you. I wish I could be this person for you, but maybe I can't hold this space for you. A lot of times when it happens to a partner, and the other partner just cannot. Yeah. They have their own guilt and shame that they just don't want to hear it because it makes them angry or it makes them sad. Sometimes it makes it too real for somebody and they can't, they don't have the coping skills. Exactly. And or they don't want to see you hurt. They're so upset that you're hurt. part of it is also finding your audience. Making sure that you have the right person to listen to you.

23:37 So maybe it's also saying, can I tell you this? from the other person. Yeah, sometimes people can't, hold that space for you. Like Jess and I are trained to hold that space. even us as therapists, we can get highly burnt out from holding that. We take everything in confidence. And even I've talked to some of my friends who are like in the beauty industry and they're like, some of this stuff, yes, that people just feel like they can tell me and it's so heavy and I can't, so asking, is it okay if I talk about this with you? Because you also don't know what somebody else's triggers are. I think that's an important, point to make, and it's okay to have boundaries and say. I'm sorry that happened to you, however, this is something that I'm not comfortable talking about.

24:21 That is okay to say too, especially I'm laughing, I'm not laughing at the subject, I'm laughing because the beauty industry, this stuff that sometimes I'll sit there and I listen to people tell them, I'm like, wow, it's like, you realize this is a public forum and there's no confidentiality agreement in place here, right? I always compare therapists and hairdressers or, Stylist. Yeah. Because. They're touching us in our safe space because they're doing our hair. So people are like a massage therapist or even a facial therapist. It's because we're in their personal space touching. Oh, that we feel safer to say, yeah, they're playing with our hair. it creates a false sense of intimacy. Yes.

25:02 That's what it is. Good job. Good job. Okay. So can survivors of sexual assault pursue legal action against their perpetrators? Yes, it varies state by state, you really want to, talk to legal advocates or organizations that specialize in sexual assault, they're going to be able to provide all the information and support so you can look at what your legal options are. Thank you. Always, if that's what you want to do, please do. You don't always have to if you don't want to. I feel a lot of women don't because of all the self blame and guilt and shame around it. But it can help other women when you do step. into that light and go after somebody like that.

25:44 I know in a lot of cases once one person comes forward, more people generally come forward. it's almost like a domino effect, unfortunately, that this perpetrator has, assaulted so many people, but people are so afraid. So there can be, Empowerment in that. But if it's not something that you can walk on your journey and you can't mentally handle, that's also okay. And Jess, is it common for survivors to experience a lot of triggers like we were talking about earlier? It is. we don't always know, unfortunately what some of the triggers are. I always joke that they don't come out in the right place. They're never the right time you're in the middle of a store and something happens.

26:24 you just want to be aware of it and what these reminders are or that if you're aware of what they are, you can help protect yourself as best you can. And tell other people too, that are around you. So they know maybe it's not being out past a certain time or not being touched a certain way or not being in a small space. once you understand what those are. localizing those and understanding them for yourself and helping others understand them as well. So when you're coping with the effects of sexual assault, there's so many things that you need to look at when approaching this. Both your physical and emotional well being and addressing the trauma.

27:05 So really what's important is seeking therapy, specifically trauma focused therapy, which can be either CBT, which is cognitive behavioral therapy, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, which is also known as EMDR. These things can really help survivors process their experience and develop strong coping strategies. I want to go back I was talking about my friend with the coach. They had said there was over 12 women that had come forward that he had sexually assaulted over a 30 year period. And those are just the ones that came forward and testified about it because he ended up going in jail and he'll never get out, but having to go through that and 30 years, how did he get away with that for 30 years?

27:52 30 years that nobody because he was somebody that was in a trusted position. Yeah, and he took advantage of vulnerable girls, young women. Yeah, young girls, girls. Yeah, these are young girls that became women. By them talking about it, they stopped it from continuing. Right, they stopped other girls from being sexually assaulted. And so that's why I feel though it's hard for a lot of women to take legal action, that it can be so powerful because if you think of it, that you are protecting other vulnerable children, girls, or women from being hurt in the way that you were hurt, That's empowering right there.

28:35 That's a huge part I feel of taking back your power and taking back your voice and taking back your autonomy over the situation that has happened. one of the things we haven't talked about yet. Now, before we wrap up, I do want to talk about real quick. There are signs to look for things to notice. As therapists, we recognize it. A lot of women who have been, and men who have been assaulted, sexually assaulted young, they tend to be more promiscuous. Yeah. They tend to seek out that behavior because it was, yes, it was learned. What are some signs that you can look for if you are worried that somebody is being sexually abused or has been sexually assaulted?

29:17 These all vary based upon age, but some of the things that we see or we were trained to look for nightmares, young kids, even women will have nightmares obviously difficulty walking if, if they're young and they're not talking or they're not sharing it with you, drug urination. That's always a sign doctors are trained to look for a young child has painful urination or issues with urinating. STDs obviously are a sign. Anxiety. Right. Sudden changes in behavior, whether that's younger or older, like you're all of a sudden like this doesn't make sense. or they are fearful of being around a person or, or unexplained fears, out of nowhere.

30:01 Like, you were never afraid of this before. Like, where is this? so where's it coming from? Yeah. Oh, another one for younger kids is using inappropriate sexual behavior is another one, Acting out or sex play maybe with their own friends or toys or pets. And you're like, I don't know how to deal with this. Sometimes that's natural at a certain age, but if it's It's very persistent and you're like, where is this coming from? Self mutilation, self harm maybe drawings of sexual situations. Becoming secretive. Yeah. That's another one, starting to withdraw, become secretive of what they're doing. Trouble sleeping, stomach aches, maybe bedwetting.

30:43 All of a sudden their grades, if they're in school, their grades are dropping. It's always like, what's changed? Anytime something changes. It's always going it's good to look at what's changed and why if something where is the source coming from it? could be hormonal. It could be growth. It could be something as horrible as sexual assault it's our duty as caretakers whether that's a teacher, a counselor a friend, a parent To look for these signs. Yeah. What happened? What changed? I know this has been a rough one. I just, I really wanted to put that out there so parents be like, okay, what do I look for? Right. It doesn't mean'cause grades fall, they're immediately, well go to this.

31:24 It just means to, Hey, let's check out what's going on. Mm-Hmm. something has changed. So, and we just want people to know that you are not alone and there is. Support and that people have walked through this before and have come out on the other side. Yeah. And really by you being compassionate and understanding of other people, it's going to make a difference because you are going to make a positive impact those around you. Right. And together we can break this stigma around sexual assault and really build a community and a culture of unwavering support and empathy and help those on their healing journey. Thanks for listening.

32:04 I know this was tough, I really wish this was not a thing that we ever had to talk about. Yeah.