July 12, 2025
Love, Boundaries, and Sleep: Let’s Talk Sleep Divorce
In this episode of The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, we explore the growing trend of sleep divorce—when couples choose sleeping separately in marriage to prioritize rest and mental well-being. Join Randi Owsley, LMSW, and Jessica Bullwinkle, LMFT—two seasoned psychotherapists with over 22 years in the women’s mental health field—as they unpack how relationship and sleep are deeply connected, why separate beds might actually strengthen intimacy, and how to navigate couples sleep issues without shame. If you're tired (literally) of sacrificing your sleep for your relationship, this one’s for you.
Get information on Love, Boundaries, and Sleep: Let’s Talk Sleep Divorce and learn practical coping skills and tools to help navigate sleep divorce for married couples. Discover how to talk to your partner about sleeping separately without damaging intimacy, and explore the surprising benefits of separate bedrooms in relationships. This episode offers valuable insights into sleep and emotional wellness for women, while also addressing the real impact of sleep struggles and marriage stress. Whether you're curious, conflicted, or just exhausted, you'll find supportive resources to help manage the mental health impact of poor sleep in couples—all with compassion and a bit of humor.
In upcoming episodes, we’ll dive deeper into the emotional and relational layers of sleep and wellness, covering essential topics like the benefits of separate bedrooms in relationships, how sleep and emotional wellness intersect for women, and the growing challenges of sleep struggles and marriage stress. We’ll also explore the mental health impact of poor sleep in couples, the role of boundaries in sleep and relationships, and practical sleep hygiene tips for moms and partners. Expect honest conversations about managing resentment over different sleep habits and the unique lens of sleep divorce and postpartum mental health. If you're craving rest and connection, these episodes are for you.
#SleepDivorce #SleepingSeparately #MarriageAndSleep #CouplesSleepStruggles #SeparateBedrooms #SleepAndRelationships #WomensMentalHealth #EmotionalWellness #PostpartumMentalHealth #MentalHealthForMoms #SleepAndMentalHealth #SleepBoundaries #SleepHygieneTips #BetterSleepBetterLife #RestIsRadical #SleepForSanity
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The Women’s Mental Health Podcast, hosted by licensed therapists Randi Owsley MSW and Jessica Bullwinkle LMFT, PMH-C, offers educational and entertaining mental health content. This is not therapy or a substitute for professional care. No therapeutic relationship is formed by listening or engaging. Some links may be affiliate links, which may earn us a small commission at no extra cost to you.
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- Hear real-life stories and experiences in "Navigating Anxiety and Panic: Understanding the Difference,"
- Stand strong with others who are "Breaking the Stigma: Living with RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)"
- Be part of breaking barriers in"Unmasking ADHD in Women: Late Diagnosis and Beyond,"
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WEBVTT
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Welcome back to the women's mental health podcast.
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I'm randy.
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I'm And I'm Jess.
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And we are two licensed psychotherapists, and this is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges.
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And how all of this is normal, and you are not alone.
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Today we're talking about something that might raise some eyebrows, but also might just save your sleep and your relationship.
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The concept of a sleep divorce.
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Oh, a sleep divorce.
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Yep.
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You've heard that, right?
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A sleep divorce where couples choose to sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms to improve sleep quality and overall wellbeing.
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It's like going back to the fifties again, right?
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Yeah.
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Well, it does.
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It sounds dramatic, but I've actually heard of a lot of people doing this, and I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she does this.
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And she was saying like she felt really bad about it, but she was like losing so much sleep and she works full time, they have three kids and she's going back to get her MBA, just like all these things.
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And like, so she just really was like.
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Burnt.
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Yeah, she was burnt out and her health was really getting diminished, because of it.
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This is something we're seeing more and more women talk about, especially those that, like I said, are juggling careers, have kids are having hormonal changes.
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Oh yeah.
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And just overall life and burnt out.
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Okay.
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So have
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you ever had these thoughts?
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What is a sleep divorce?
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Is a sleep divorce bad for a relationship?
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Why do couples choose to have a sleep divorce?
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Can, sleeping apart, hurt, emotional intimacy?
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It's a sleep divorce.
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The same as a real divorce.
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How I'm laughing.
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I'm sorry.
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I don't know why I'm just laughing.
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Okay.
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How do I talk to my partner about a sleep divorce?
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'cause that's a good
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question right there.
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And what are the benefits and what are the downsides?
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What are some tips for making it work?
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Is a
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sleep divorce becoming more common?
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I'm about to get a sleep divorce, so let's go in and find out exactly what this is.
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Randy.
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Okay.
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A sleep divorce is not the end of your relationship.
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It's the beginning of better sleep boundaries and also sleep hygiene.
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It's when couples decide to sleep separately so that each partner can get the rest that they need.
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Think no more fighting over blankets, no more snoring wars, or 3:00 AM elbow jabs.
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I've also seen a thing too, I forgot what it's called.
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A Swedish bed or a Dutch bed I do or something.
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I, with the two separate comforters, we actually
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have two entirely different types.
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He likes a heavy blanket.
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Yeah.
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I have a big fuzzy one and then the comforter.
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Right.
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So unfortunately our top, I have two comforters and they end up in the middle of the bed half the time.
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Right.
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But we each have a different main blanket.
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Right.
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It, it confuses the crap out of the housekeepers.
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They don't know what to do with it.
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So apparently it's not that common.
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Oh yeah.
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But I think
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in like European.
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Countries It is.
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Yes, absolutely.
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'cause so, and I've heard a lot, if you do wanna stay in the bed, that's a good way.
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If you do fight over the sheets or the blankets.
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Yeah.
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So, so many women, especially when we're in our thirties and forties, we already have a hard time sleeping between anxiety, perimenopause, A DHD.
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Oh, night waking toddlers or, yeah, babies,
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newborns, yes.
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Yeah.
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So it really, if you're gonna throw in a restless partner, somebody who is snoring, somebody who is restless leg syndrome, oh my gosh.
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Just to tossing and turning or wakes up a lot in the middle of the night, has to pee a thousand times as you get older.
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This, this doesn't
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help your mental health.
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No, it doesn't.
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So sleep.
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Impacts your mental health.
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So let's talk about that.
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Let's talk about the science behind this.
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So poor sleep quality is very strongly linked to anxiety, depression, mood swings, irritability, and decreased cognitive functioning.
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So your brain is not firing on, on cylinders, and when you're not getting enough REM sleep, which is the deep sleep that you need, and that's where we process our emotions too.
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We are actually creating a recipe for disaster with being emotionally reactive because we don't have the wherewithal to cope with those.
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No.
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Think about whenever there's a time change and we lose an hour of sleep, how many people are thrown off for that week or cranky for that week because we lost an hour of sleep and we can't get it back.
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When you're already struggling with things like postpartum depression or generalized anxiety, interrupted sleep makes everything worse.
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It's not just I'm being tired, it's about feeling emotionally drained and mentally.
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Foggy, which also perimenopause.
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Foggy brain.
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Yeah.
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Your brain.
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My brain has been so foggy lately.
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It comes back, by the way.
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Yeah.
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Well that's good.
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'cause I'm like, where did my brain go?
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It's gone.
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It's gone.
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So I think that we really need to step into this and normalize that.
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Loving your partner.
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And being committed to them and sleeping separately can both be true.
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Yes.
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And it doesn't mean I hate my husband or you don't like your spouse.
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It means that you love yourself enough that you know you need to get sleep.
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And so this is setting a boundary,
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right?
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And so when you're choosing to sleep and create a.
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Sleep hygiene and a healthy environment for yourself that supports your mental health and your rest and your wellbeing.
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It's not selfish, like you're saying.
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It's self preservation and it's self care.
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It is.
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And I have worked with so many people who have seen massive improvements in their mood and relationships just by changing the amount of rest and true sleep they get.
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Mm-hmm.
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I have also seen people actually get divorces because they didn't do this right.
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And they're like, I can't do this anymore.
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And it causes so many problems.
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another important thing to note is that it doesn't mean that the intimacy is gonna go away, or the intimacy is.
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Gone.
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You can still cuddle together, you can still watch shows together in bed.
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You can still have sex.
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You just have a different room, maybe change it up, you know, if you want to and you can have your own space, your own sanctuary, Why do we have this need to feel so.
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Enmeshed with your partner I feel like this could be a really good boundary for some people, and I just know some people too that not even do this just because of sleep, but do it because either they're A DHD or their autism they have sensory issues or they need certain Lighting or they do need that space to wind down.
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So I had also read that there are celebrities that are already doing this because also they have the big, huge houses.
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They can do this Well.
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Yeah, they have the extra room.
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I mean, so that's another thing too.
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Maybe you don't have the space to do it, so you need to come up with some other creative ways.
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But if you do have the space, it can definitely be a benefit.
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Yeah.
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They said even Prince Henry was talking about having a sleep, divorce and sleeping separately because that's crazy.
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Yeah.
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I mean they were just Cameron Diaz Gwyneth Paltrow, but I don't know.
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She's she's a little woowoo.
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Yeah, she, she's the Egg lady, right?
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The Green Egg.
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And
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your vagina lady?
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I have no idea.
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I stopped tuning her out a long time ago.
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I don't, I'm not a big fan of her.
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Yeah.
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Website and her random stuff.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I
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mean, she had like the candle that smell like her vagina or something.
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I don't know.
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Oh my God, no.
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Okay.
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I don't wanna know about that.
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So.
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This is something for every woman who's whispered, I love you, but I cannot listen to you breathe for one more night.
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I mean, seriously, it is the biggest complaint I hear about all the time.
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Like right now, I keep seeing all those cat videos of like you're supposed to be next, your loving partner at night, and then there's the one that's snoring and the other cat is like, what the
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fuck?
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Right?
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So here.
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Are some tips if you want to consider having a sleep divorce.
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First have the conversation, so you need to frame it as a decision for your mutual wellbeing, not a threat.
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Yeah, not a threat.
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Start small maybe with a change, like maybe try separate beds or sleeping in the guest room a few nights a week and seeing if it really does.
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Create an impact for you.
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Mm-hmm.
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And cause, a healthy change.
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Well, yeah, because sometimes even after, having a baby, if you have a postpartum doula come in one night, it actually resets your sleep.
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So I could see how doing that would mm-hmm.
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If you just go sleep in another room for a night or two, and this is actually starting off in that room, not being pissed off at three in the morning and going to the other room.
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Right.
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Getting up and going.
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Right.
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Because that has an angry feel to it, and then that's a, that is not a good morning, start small.
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Try separate beds or sleeping in a guest room.
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Yeah.
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A few nights a week.
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Exactly.
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Yeah.
00:08:21.677 --> 00:08:23.836
another thing is to create sleep rituals.
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And improve your sleep hygiene.
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So those things like still having that intimate time before bed to talk or cuddle and wind down together, sleep hygiene could be like, making sure your sheets are the right type for you mm-hmm.
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And your skin, or you need cooling sheets And, creating those little routines.
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I have a hatch sleep and wind down and a wake alarm.
00:08:46.509 --> 00:08:49.960
it has a wind down things and like lighting and stuff to like help me kinda.
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Calm down like at night.
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Those things are little sleep rituals that you can work in.
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I'm kind of laughing'cause I'm like, you're gonna cuddle, have sex and then be like out.
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Out you go, buddy.
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I mean, that's what used to do.
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I'm done.
00:08:59.929 --> 00:09:02.240
Being back in college, you're like, all right, peace out high
00:09:02.240 --> 00:09:02.600
five.
00:09:02.600 --> 00:09:03.110
Bye.
00:09:03.950 --> 00:09:04.250
Thanks for that.
00:09:04.250 --> 00:09:04.490
Gimme a
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sandwich.
00:09:04.909 --> 00:09:09.970
Yeah, I mean, it could create a better dynamic if you change it up a little bit.
00:09:10.019 --> 00:09:10.950
You wanted to change it up.
00:09:10.950 --> 00:09:11.759
I just want a sandwich.
00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:12.210
That's funny.
00:09:12.804 --> 00:09:14.335
So make it cozy.
00:09:14.335 --> 00:09:15.985
Just don't crash on the couch.
00:09:16.014 --> 00:09:16.914
'cause you're pissed off.
00:09:16.945 --> 00:09:17.519
Make it, yeah.
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You don't
00:09:17.695 --> 00:09:20.065
wanna create a worse environment or hurt your back
00:09:20.152 --> 00:09:20.751
exactly.
00:09:20.751 --> 00:09:22.162
Make it your own space.
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Make it feel safe.
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Make it feel comfortable If you are the one that's gonna leave, or if he's the one and maybe you alternate that one night you do it and the other night they do it.
00:09:30.356 --> 00:09:30.476
Mm-hmm.
00:09:30.562 --> 00:09:32.751
So you don't feel like you're being kicked outta your room.
00:09:32.841 --> 00:09:33.142
Yeah.
00:09:33.142 --> 00:09:36.981
another thing would be check in, communicate with your partner about this.
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See how it's affecting both your sleep and your relationship.
00:09:40.162 --> 00:09:43.851
So like you just don't want to do this if it's gonna make your relationship Worse.
00:09:43.912 --> 00:09:48.052
You wanna check in with each other, make sure like, is this helping?, Are you sleeping better?
00:09:48.052 --> 00:09:49.432
Are you getting deeper sleep?
00:09:49.432 --> 00:09:56.422
If you have an Apple watch or whatever Samsung watch, maybe tracking your sleep, seeing if you are truly getting, that deeper REM sleep.
00:09:56.445 --> 00:10:01.845
I don't really get a lot of deep REM sleep and it doesn't help, pairing that with my perimenopause.
00:10:01.845 --> 00:10:03.065
Like it's a disaster.
00:10:03.965 --> 00:10:04.715
Exactly.
00:10:04.715 --> 00:10:14.524
And the thing is, if your room is right next to the other room,'cause sometimes your extra bedroom is right next to your room and you can still hear'em snore, then that's an issue that maybe they need to go look at medical wise.
00:10:14.575 --> 00:10:18.085
there's the thing, if they're snoring, like sleep apnea, bro, that's it up.
00:10:18.085 --> 00:10:18.865
Exactly.
00:10:18.865 --> 00:10:20.784
I mean, I don't know how many times, and I don't
00:10:20.784 --> 00:10:24.144
know what it is about males, they just never wanna like address.
00:10:24.174 --> 00:10:29.154
The elephants in the room with their health, and it's like, this could help you so much.
00:10:29.154 --> 00:10:33.355
When I went on a sleep apnea machine, I was like, holy shit.
00:10:33.394 --> 00:10:36.034
I didn't realize how bad I was sleeping, like mm-hmm.
00:10:36.274 --> 00:10:43.365
You think like you're not waking up now I don't snore anymore, but when I was heavier, So I was like everybody get on a sleep apnea.
00:10:43.845 --> 00:10:49.034
Well, the other night I was trying to like do a gentle wake up and I think I scared him.
00:10:49.245 --> 00:10:50.024
He thought it was a
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spider and like grabbed my hand.
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Oh my God.
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