Self-Worth Through Empathy and Fashion: Guiding Teens to Know Their Value

0:00 Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast. I'm Randi. And I'm Jess. And we're two licensed psychotherapists. This is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges. And how all of this is normal and you are not alone. Today's episode is about navigating self worth with your teens, especially around fashion trends and clothing. But you might be asking why focus on this topic. The idea here is to explore and understand how developing a sense of self worth can empower teen girls, guiding them to make clothing choices that reflect their personal values and enhance their self confidence without resorting to shame or blame. And by engaging in this open and supportive conversation, we're going to be able to help our teens develop a balanced view on fashion that reflects their individuality and really promote their mental well being.

0:50 You can find us and more resources on womensmentalhealthpodcast. com. Okay. So have you ever had these thoughts? How can I discuss fashion and clothing choices with my teen emphasizing the self worth and individuality? What are some effective strategies for exploring personal style without compromising self respect? How can I guide my teen to view her clothing choices as a form of self expression that respects her values? How do I ensure discussion on fashion and clothing that don't negatively impact my teen's body image? How can I approach this discussion about personal style without reinforcing gender stereotypes?

1:30 That's a good one. Can discussions around Fashion Be Feminist, empowering my teen to make choices that resonate with her beliefs. And how do I address the influence of social media on my teen's perception of fashion and self image? What if my teen chooses styles that challenge societal norms? And how can I support my teens unique fashion choices, even if they differ from my own choices or mainstream trends? Mm hmm. That's a good one. And how can we maintain open communication about self expression through fashion without it becoming a conflict zone? Yeah, we don't want a war zone. No, no war zone about what we can wear or don't wear.

2:12 Because, oh, it's so hard taking teens shopping as it is. Right. Oh my goodness. Without all the outside influence on top of it. Exactly. The way we dress and really present ourselves to the world is really deeply personal. It's an important part of our identity, especially for women and especially for teen girls. When you feel out of control, it gives you a sense of control. And who you are and what you want to tell people about yourself, and from a mental health perspective, the way teens perceive their self worth in relation to fashion choices can really significantly affect. So how can we support and guide discussions about fashion and clothing with our teenage girls, emphasizing the self worth and personal expression without shaming them and without blaming them?

3:06 Exactly. So first it starts with empathy. if you go in under with understanding and an open mind and really recognize that personal style is a unique form of self expression, it really varies between, individuals and cultures. I know growing up, I wore dresses and Doc Martens. Oh wait, I'm sorry, they're doing that again. Yeah, it's very sickly. It's coming back. when I was doing it wasn't as popular, and so it used to drive my mother batty. But I think when we approach it as we're helping our kids develop critical thinking around it, and that they are making informed choices that really resonate with them and their bodies, that support who they are as a whole person.

3:50 I feel that that's really It is because you don't want to shame them. Like, okay, do you really want to wear that? What are you trying to tell people? And that's a, that was something previous cultures. Don't wear that because that'll get you raped, right? And that's not what we're trying to tell teens. We want them to express themselves and we want them to make choices about what they want to wear. We also want them to, obviously wear some clothing that we're like, Oh, Oh, you look really old in that. Or we don't want you looking like you're 20 when you're 13. But how do we not do that without shaming? Right. So we want to encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings and their preferences, but also not like just do it because everybody else is doing it.

4:32 Right. so we really need to create a safe and non judgmental environment so that we can empower them to find the boundaries within fashion. And own it confidently without seeming like we need to sexualize ourselves because that's what everybody on Instagram or Snapchat is doing. Mm hmm. And that is really hard because at the same time some of these girls are young and you're like, well, how do you explain sexualization to them when they're like, 12. Yeah. And you just see it. So you think that's normal, right? And you're like, okay, you can't wear booty shorts and a crop top. Well, why? Well, that's sexualizing yourself. Well, what does that mean? it's hard to navigate this conversation without it, again, being a war zone with your teen.

5:14 Yeah, or feeling, like I was telling Jess, I have very strong feelings about women being able to wear what they want. I've always let my own daughter wear what she wants. Because I don't want her to feel like she needs to conform and I don't feel like she needs to adhere to dress codes because I don't feel it's fair with gender stereotypes, like why girls can't wear tank tops or leggings or whatever it is that the school has come up with, but boys can wear whatever. And so it's really hard to find that balance. So what we are trying to focus on is really. cultivating a positive body image and cultivating their self esteem independent of whatever's happening in fashion or whatever's on snapchat and whatever peer pressure they're having so that they have control and that that helps them on the back end with their emotional health and their mental health when they feel like they have control over what they wear and it's not based off of what other people think.

6:18 it's really important to also express that you accept what they are into. I love, we have a neighbor across the street, my daughter's bestie, and she comes out in clothes that like, I, we joke that I'm like, that probably was my kid. And I have her kid because they dress completely different than the way we dress as parents or what we do as parents. And so it is so cool that they let her pick, let her, they accept. That this is what she wants to wear and they're okay with it. That's who she is. And she's expressing herself. She comes out with pants that have one leg is black. One is white. And she That's beautiful. Because a lot of people, and I think sometimes we do this too unconsciously.

7:02 Sometimes consciously, but we tell kids we want them to dress in what makes us feel comfortable or what we know or what we would choose to wear. And do you really want to clone of yourself? I think that's boring. So it's like to really. Promote and help your child explore their personal style, but giving it that key of also having respect for themselves and their body and their values. that comes with facilitating these conversations about how fashion really is a reflection of who you are and that you don't have to compromise. Your self worth for the latest trend.

7:44 Exactly. it's so interesting in our house, just this morning, we were having a conversation that, you can totally wear tank tops. my daughter has a hoodie over it and I'm like, you can totally wear a tank top. I may not wear tank tops. That's my thing. But you look amazing. If you would like to wear a tank top, please wear a tank top. And so she's like, okay, I think I'm going to start wearing some tank tops. I'm like, great. It's summer. Please wear some tank tops. is more so saying, you look amazing. Go for it. That comes in with helping them maintain a positive body image. Amidst the things of the pressure of friends or, Instagram or TikTok, making them understand what a healthy body image is and how that can compliment and help bring up their self esteem.

8:30 Exactly. Just because I don't wear it or just because your friends do wear it, I really want her to wear what she wants to wear. so sometimes I'll say, okay, tell me what you want. Go pick it. Give me a link. Cause I can't shop for her anymore. Just give me a link and tell me what you like. Yeah. Yeah. put it on a dock and I'll send it off to people because I don't know, what she's into. Somebody told me Y2K grunge is what it is right now. Okay. See, I have no idea. The Y2K like early 2000 fashion is what it is. So yeah. And that's what she's into. Great. Go for it. Wear your cargo jeans or your cargo pants and your tank top. Fantastic. I think, having an understanding about gender norms, too, are not constraints on fashion.

9:15 So not making our kids feel that they have to adhere to a stereotype to express themselves, too. That they are free to express themselves in a way that feels authentic. Right. And if it's a big baggy t shirt and it's a dude shirt, go ahead. I don't care. I love that some of these, I think it's. Target, and there are some other ones too that They'll just say tops, and they show men and females are gender neutral. They're really starting to make it so it isn't that you have to be a woman to wear a woman's top. Exactly. You can wear a man's top. You can wear a gender neutral top. a top. I think that's really good. So how do we go through Randy and, and figure out? Focus on more of the feminism and fashion choices.

9:58 So sometimes when I hear like feminist or feminism, I cringe. Not I am one, but just that it's labeled that way because I think there's people have a lot of negative connotations or they think it's one way or they think. It can, a male can be a feminist, my nine year old could be a feminist. Feminism is really supporting the freedom to make choices. so the way we're talking about it is really having autonomy over your body and making choices for your body that. Are respecting who you are, as a person, and that's really what the fundamental piece of feminism is and how you can kind of pair it with making fashion decisions, really just being true to yourself and that you feel good.

10:48 and what you're wearing. I think, it should come down to that. are you happy with it? Are you comfortable in it? Do you feel good about yourself in it? not worrying about, Joe Schmo or whoever and what they're gonna think. But, really listening to your inner voice about that. the things that you don't feel good in or that your teen doesn't feel good in, get rid of them. Don't make them keep it because they might like it in a year or you might fit into it or you might. I appreciate, the way you look at it. That's a whole other thing is sizing with girls women and they're them feeling bad about being plus size or too skinny or, too heavy or, things not fitting, take that piece out of the equation to like with your kids to build up their self worth and just go does it fit you well?

11:34 Does it look good on you? Do you like the way? Don't worry about the size. Don't worry about the number and that just comes with embracing what your kids want. Whether that's a unique, fashion choice or an unconventional style or if they want to wear something bigger or if they want to wear something that's a little bit tighter, just trying to understand where they're coming from in that and how you can talk to them about it so that you are uplifting them and who they are and what they feel confident in wearing. Because they're individual. They are not you. They are themselves and they're still figuring it out. I would rather my teen figure out who they are while they're in my house. versus getting out of the house and then figuring out who they are.

12:16 Right, and having all those outside influences, negative influences come in and shape them. so when you do these things and you have open communication with your child, and you support them through trends or whatever's viral, you are really demonstrating unconditional love and support. You are showing your child respect. Speck for their autonomy over their body, over their choices, over their thinking, and that is more powerful than anything else. Mm-Hmm. that goes back to, blaming people for things that happened to them. they were raped because they were wearing Yeah. Victim blaming Yeah. That we are done doing that. that one article that stuck with me forever was at the woman who says, I was going out, I passed out drunk, and I was on a train.

13:03 I didn't get raped. You know why? Because there wasn't a rapist on the train. It had nothing to do with her drinking. It had nothing to do with what she was wearing. So that's what we're doing is we're teaching children to accept themselves and be proud of who they are. And not, worry about what they're wearing or where they're going and that whole victim blaming that you're talking about. if you can really keep this going about fashion and self worth and really making sure she's. is sharing with you. I love that my daughter is sharing with me. Sometimes she says something is ugly. She's like, uh, that's ugly. God, I hate that. Mom, God, stop her suggesting that. But that's good. You want to hear that.

13:43 You want to know their likes and dislikes, and that means that she's comfortable with sharing with you. And when you use this kind of point of what's trending or fashion or clothing or personal style with your child, it's a powerful way. to really foster their self worth and their individuality and the communication between you. you are really communicating on a deeper level, even though it doesn't seem like it. That is building a foundation where they can come to you and talk to you about things and they trust you. Oh, all the time. I tell moms when their child is like, Oh, I hate this. You don't understand and they take it out on you. It's because you're the safe one.

14:25 And I think that is so important to remember that yes, they're beating you up right now, but that's because you're safe, right? when you validate their emotions, when you validate their choices, whether that is, the jean shorts or the tank top or the baggy t shirt, you are reminding her. That her self worth is not tied to her appearance, her body, or her body. It is about the choices in the way that she thinks about things. It's the, what style she wants to wear, what colors she likes. It's not about sexualizing her or. Teaching her, yeah, that her self worth is based upon her body. That is the reason that so many women end up sleeping with other people because they're trying to, fill a void for their self worth because they learned somewhere that their body was to be used in that.

15:15 Yeah. So that's why it's so important to keep the lines of communication open, even if it is about fashion and try to keep it, judgment free when you keep You know, you can't put a value on that type of relationship that you build with your child. I used to work in the foster care system, when I first got out of grad school. And one of the things I used to tell him was that no cracks. I don't care what you wear, just no cracks. And they were like, what? I was like, I got no, no cleavage, no, no cracks in your vagina, no butt cracks, no cracks, and we're good.

16:00 I don't care what you wear, just no cracks. I don't know if you remember this, but for a while, showing like your thong underwear was really popular. Yes. Well, it's coming back and we used to call it a whale tail. The other day I was out shopping with my daughter. She's 18 now and I was like Oh my God. And I was like, is this, is this a thing I'm asking her? I'm like whispering. Cause it's fine if you want to do that, but I, but is it coming back? It's coming back. my daughter said, Oh yeah, it's like a thing now. And I was like, no, not the whale tail. But anyway, we hope that this episode has inspired you. to have empowering conversations, whatever that is, with your kids and your teens and your young adults in your life, so you can really foster their own journey towards respecting themselves, building up their self worth and helping their mental health along the way.