It's Time to Have THAT Talk, Here's How.

0:00 Welcome back to the Women's Mental Health Podcast. I'm Randi. And I'm Jess. And we're two licensed psychotherapists. This is a safe space where we talk about mental health, well being, and strategies for coping with life's challenges. And how all of this is normal and you are not alone. In today's podcast episode, we're going to be discussing how to start and have difficult conversations, examples of difficult conversations, and types of difficult conversations, and how it's important to approach them, how it's normal, it's part of life. And how you can use these strategies to deal with it effectively. Right. We're going to give you some tips on how to have to start and navigate these conversations with confidence and empathy because that is a huge piece of this.

0:46 Huge. And you can find more tips and resources on randyandjesspodcast. com. Okay. Have you ever thought, I wish I knew what to say. How do I bring up a difficult subject? How do I talk about such a tough topic? Is it my place to bring up such a difficult or hard conversation? Why does this difficult topic feel so awkward and make me feel uneasy? Do you hate when people say we have to talk? Oh my gosh, I hate that or like your boss says we need to talk or in your relationship. We need to talk It's like dread like dun dun dun or that we need to talk later No, no, no, no.

1:28 Let's just talk now. Because all that does is kick up my anxiety and I'm thinking of a million different things and it's like, what do you want for dinner? Right. And you're like, wait, wait, all of that was for what do you want for dinner? what are examples of difficult conversations, and what exactly are they? difficult conversations are the ones, that, are part of our life, like you had said earlier. They are the things that either we are not taught to talk about, they're subjects we consider, I'm air quoting, taboo. You want to avoid. Right. Or you feel like you need to avoid because we haven't been taught how to have them. How do you tell somebody that they really should be wearing deodorant, We don't talk about that enough.

2:09 how do we talk to somebody about how they are not performing at work? Or, like you said, how do we talk to somebody about if we want to break up with them? and do these things in a healthy way. The, like you said, empathetic way, It takes an important skill. that is why there are good managers and bad managers, A good manager, can talk about this. I've got this one friend, she can come up and the way she's so good at this, she can tell you, you completely suck. But the way she does it, you walk, she walks away and you're like, I think she told me I suck, but God, I feel kind of good about it. I'm okay with it. Okay. I'm going to make that change. And it's just because the way she does it with such empathy and with such confidence and understanding, she doesn't walk up and go, you suck.

2:56 She will talk to you about it, and you're like, I think she told me my shirt sucks. You know, and you're like, wait, but yeah, it does the way she said it. And like, yes. And like, I do like, okay, God, I feel so good about myself, but those people that can approach you and talk to you that way and have conversations like that are very far and few in between because we just don't know how to have these conversations. So, let's talk about some tips about how to start. Start these conversations and have them and end them on a good note. So the first is prepare yourself, write down, what you think you want to talk about. Some key words, write down some, bullet points about what you are feeling or what you're trying to get across to the other person, So it's important to take time to reflect on your feelings and.

3:43 create boundaries around also what you're going to talk about so you don't go off on tangents. We talk about boundaries in episode six and we talk about also how to talk about your feelings and validate them and others in episode 25. So these are very important to think about. Like you said, you. concise. What do you want to talk about? What do you want to get across? So that the other person that you're talking to will also have a clear understanding of where you're coming from. And do it not when you haven't had any sleep because you've been up all night worrying about this. Do it when you're rested. Don't do it when you're hangry because nothing comes across well when you're hangry, right? Choose the right time.

4:24 Time, place the right setting. Like also don't do it with your partner or your friend that's also tired or stressed out, or they've had a bad day. You need to find the right environment and like you said, right timing. You need to be on the right mind frame too, to have this conversation and, and maybe choose somewhere that's private. Don't do it at the dinner table in front of the kids if it's about your partner. Right? And don't do it while you're distracted. Yeah. Don't do it while you're distracted. And don't send a text. Oh my gosh. Please don't do this. Oh, please. No. Texts can be misconstrued so horribly. And that's how most relationships, friendships, whatever, like end in like a big kaboom.

5:04 I always say, if when you read a text message, go back and reread it with an upbeat note, right? Because we can read it a couple of different ways. We can read it like, God, she's such a bitch, or we could come back and be like, Oh, she's in a great mood. That's so good. So. I always, well, I don't always try, but sometimes I try to give the benefit of the doubt, And it isn't like the toxic positivity kind of thing, right? But it is the read it in a different, assuming that they mean well. Hmm. That's interesting. I like that because I think too, tone and body language can also go a long way. So these are ways to make a difficult conversation easier.

5:45 When you think about the tone that's coming across and is your body language also coming across like you are closed off or are you open? Those kinds of things matter when you have these conversations. Oh, yeah. As a therapist, we look for Are your arms crossed while you're having this conversation? Like right now I'm cold, right? So my arms are crossed, my legs are crossed, but that could come off as very closed off to somebody else who is, I'm having a conversation with, That's why there's a lot of, YouTubes that you can watch about having difficult conversations and people will have them with like their arms, their hands up. Palms up because that feels a little bit more open, Having this open body and relaxed body when you're having a conversation with somebody, it helps them feel relaxed because believe it or not, we don't all read bodies, but, we often mimic other people, right?

6:35 And we can tell, like, do you remember that show? lie to me. No. Okay. It's an old series. I don't know how old, but probably like five, 10 years. I don't know. But it's a show where he would go through and he could read people and he would show you like all these different faces and you'd be like, Oh yeah, that's anger. Ooh, that's sadness. Oh, that's, fatigue. And he would try to read people based upon their body language. That's very interesting because I have one of those brain games or whatever that I do. And one of the things is you can learn more empathy and emotion and understanding. it has you read people's faces and pick what are they feeling. And it'll tell you like, if you're like kind of right or wrong.

7:17 So you can also learn to read people a little bit better because that is another, way that we can grow our brain anyways. Yeah. So, and it's also important to use Mm, okay. So I'm going to practice an I statement that I hear a lot of people say, I'm really upset that you did this. So that's not an I statement, You're twisting that, right? And I statement, if you take your index finger, your pointer finger, and you point it back at yourself the entire time. That is a true I statement. So I am feeling upset because I feel unheard or I feel, unloved or I feel whatever.

7:57 I'm not pointing it at somebody else. Yeah, you're pointing it back at yourself and how it makes you feel sometimes depending on the person. This doesn't always go. It doesn't matter how many I statements you use, but it can help. It can go a long way and having the other person not feel maybe like threatened, personally attacked the minute somebody starts wagging a finger at you. Especially if they have a reactive, overly emotional, personality type. It is important to use these types of statements and it also helps you keep the conversation focused on what you really want to get across. I'm feeling hurt when this happens, instead of saying like, you always do this, Cause then we go into that black and white.

8:39 toxic thinking that we had just did a podcast on when you say, I feel hurt when this happens, it takes it a different tone just lowers it down. part of also having effective communication with these difficult conversations is learning to listen. We think we know how to listen, But we are not very good active listeners as a society. If you are formulating a response to what they're saying, you're not actually listening to them. You're already trying to respond to what you think they're going to say. Fix the problem. You're trying to put it up into a nice package. instead of just being present in the moment.

9:21 And hearing what they have to say and absorbing it, and then formulating a response in your thoughts afterwards. Mm hmm. Now, sometimes when you have somebody who is very long winded, for somebody like me who's ADHD, I call them play by players, the people who will tell you a story and they give you the play by play, and you're like, Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm going to lose this. Oh, God. And you're thinking, get to the point. Get to the point. Get to the point. I always say, oh, that's another, meeting that could have been an email. I'm very much like, just get down to the bare bones and give that to me. I don't need to know what she wore and I don't need to know this. I just need to know, what are we talking about? Mm hmm. It's okay to say, can I stop this here for a second? And if you guys can't see me, but I actually put my hand out, right?

10:02 not quite like in a stop sign, but sometimes I'll put my hand out like, Hey, can we stop for a second? If they're still not stopping, then I'll do the physical stop sign with my hand and say, okay, let's stop. I mean, so there are body languages that you can put in with this. And it's okay to say, I'm getting lost in this conversation. Can we talk about what was just said? Yeah. And that also helps refocus the conversation and for everybody to stay focused on the conversation at hand. And especially if you're not understanding, you are trying to active listen and you are trying to be a good communicator. But if you can't get the gist of the topic, it's important to also use your skills to Pause.

10:43 Okay. What is, where are we trying to go with this? And that too, we can learn to practice more empathy. Yeah. I want to go back because a lot of people have a hard time reading body language. They do. A lot of people. And they'll just go on and on and on and on. And you're looking at them like, I'm so bored with what you're talking about. I don't even want to, I just came over to bring over some sugar. What are we talking about? What? And so sometimes it's okay to say, you know what? I hear you. So, you know, I want to go ahead and talk to this. I'm, I'm getting a little lost in this, or, I, I'm not sure what's happening. Or can we revisit this later when I have more time or I can focus, or can we move this conversation somewhere private?

11:27 if there are distractions, if there are things, if somebody does on the opposite. Side, if you are not expecting this difficult conversation and it's coming towards you, and you are thrown off kilter by it, you can also communicate back, can we do this at another time? Can we do this in a different setting? Don't let somebody make you feel unprepared, use your words and say, hey, okay, I need some time to digest this. and process this. Can we, put a bookmark in this and come back to it like tonight or tomorrow? What you're talking about, like bombarding you. Yeah. And it's okay for you to say, I understand. I hear that you're wanting to talk about this difficult conversation.

12:08 However, I don't have the bandwidth right now, and so can we, couch this or can we talk about this, after dinner or tomorrow morning? Do we need to do this right now? So I think those are all really good things to be able to say even to your spouse or kids. Right. And bringing in too, like, I understand this may be hard for you to talk to me about, practicing that empathy. Bring it in. And also, I appreciate that you are trying to talk to me about this or I appreciate that you are sitting here listening to me about this and this is why I feel this way and why I want to talk about. This difficult topic, having empathy will reduce tension.

12:50 it'll increase your understanding and show that you're at least listening and hearing, and you want to understand the other person, you can try to put yourself in their shoes. You can try to understand where they're coming from. Sometimes that's still really hard, but having empathy is something that you can learn and practice, And with that comes understanding too, that some of these difficult conversations you may have to have, whether they're in a relationship or the workplace, they may trigger the person that you're talking to and being understanding that trigger may happen. And this may not go the way that you want it to, but being like, okay, I understand, or I see. See that this is making you upset or uncomfortable, so how can we have this conversation differently or how would this make you feel more comfortable?

13:38 These things can help, reduce and move the conversation in a positive direction. Sometimes with your spouse, it is okay to say. You know what? I'm getting frustrated or I'm getting hot on this topic. Can we take a break and come back in 20 minutes and time the 20 minutes, come back in 20 minutes. And if you're still like, I'm not ready for this. hit snooze. Can we come back in 30 minutes? 30 minutes. I really want you to be able to come back soon, but make sure you're using that time away as a time for you to breathe or to go on a quick walk, whatever it is that you need to ground yourself. Yes. You're not going away to write the bullet points of why they suck. Yeah. Even if you want to, I mean, write it in your head, it's to ground yourself and be able to go back to them and you have to go back at 20, even if you're not ready and say.

14:25 I'm ready or I need more time. It's okay. This is another important tool leading away from that, but leaning into that as well is that follow up after the conversation is over, like check in with that person. See. Like, where are we at with this, this idea or this topic that you've talked about? How are you processing it? Like, are we moving in the right direction after talking about this? And work, maybe you need to follow up with a phone call or like an email and check in how things are going. Like with your, spouse or partner or friend, probably you want to talk to them face to face about those things and be like, Hey, where we're at? After we talked about this and how are you feeling and yeah, even if it's just a text saying, Hey, I'm just checking in, I'm concerned.

15:09 I want to see how you're doing, and just remembering to follow through with that, to let him know that, it was important to you. what they shared. Right. Even if you don't agree with them. Yeah. And that's another great way to strengthen boundaries that you have too. letting them know that this conversation was important to have. And then it's just not like a one and done. this is going to be a continual conversation. conversation. It's important that we had this. That's why it was so difficult, so they're just not like, Oh, well, they kind of like mentioned it, like in passing and I'm not going to pay attention to that. You're letting them know that this is important. It's an opportunity for growth and understanding and learning about yourself and others.

15:52 And it builds trust. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry about my laugh. I'm like, it builds trust. Totally. She's like, yeah, yeah, of course. It does. It builds trust. as you prepare yourself for this, and you follow through, you're more than likely going to have a positive outcome. It may not be that they agree with you, but it may be that you at least feel heard. And that you have at least have opened that doorway to more communication. Yeah. So we hope these tips and tricks and tools, they're not tricks, they're really tools, have, it's like a viral, hack. We hope that this has, helped you guys and that you can use some of these tools to help you build your communication and strengthen your relationships.

16:35 All right. See you next time.